Wednesday, September 23, 2020
Home Satire Eligibility cutoff of CAT- Career in Advanced Terrorism, brought down for Hindus

Eligibility cutoff of CAT- Career in Advanced Terrorism, brought down for Hindus

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History Buff. Will Make Satires Great Again.

In order to get more students from the communities deprived of Terrorism and Violence into premier Jihadi institutes, the Indian Eminent Intellectuals Association (IEIA) has decided to lower the eligibility criteria for students of the Hindu religion, making it easier for them to clear Career in Advanced Terrorism (CAT) and become a Terrorist.

According to the new criteria, students of the Hindu religion will only need to slap someone to be called a Terrorist. The eligibility cut-offs for the religion that has nothing to do with Terrorism stands at suicide bombings or plane hijacks, whichever causes greater damage.

IEIA conducts joint admissions for several prestigious universities across the country such as Indian Institutes of Terrorism (IITs), National Institutes of Terrorism (NITs) and the most celebrated Indian Institutes of Intellectual Terrorism (IIITs).  IEIA also co-ordinates the international student exchange program with Liberal-e-Taliban(LeT)

Mr. Anurag CashYep, the official spokesperson of IEIA tweeted: “Hindu extremists will be able to step out of twitter into the real world now. Hindu terrorism will not remain a myth anymore”

Mr. Mukesh Bhak, the Executive Director of IEIA told our reporter that he was quite disappointed to see that even the top scorers of the Hindu religion were unable to clear the cutoff of CAT. Thus, he had proposed a motion in the previous meeting of IEIA to bring down the cutoff for Hindus, so as to empower them and bring them in the mainstream.

The proposal was unanimously passed by the Board members- Barkha Hafiz, Bajdeep Sardesai, Kama Ayyub, Rongchandra Guha, Irfan Habibi, Shok Vajpayee, Anand AllAboutDhan, Alique Biki KalamSi, DayanTara Sehgal, Nandita Dasi and Charasuddin Shah.


Our sources from the IEIA (who are mastering the art of espionage) tell us that Mr. Rubbish Kumar also marked his presence in the meeting. However, he could not contribute much as the language of discourse was primarily English spiced up by Urdu and he had an ‘image to maintain.’ However he knew everyone’s caste so voted in favor of the motion and asked no further questions.

The meeting of IEIA at Jihadi National University (JNU) concluded on a positive note with the agenda – ‘Terrorism For All.’ The board members departed after greeting each other ‘LOL Salaam’

The move was welcomed by all Hindu students organisations. “It is a very good move. The demand to make it easy for Hindu candidates to become a Terrorist has been there for a very long time, and the move is a very welcome move”, said the president of Kathni-Karni Sena.


Tweeple were quick to react to Mr. CashYep’s tweet. Several twitter handles greeted the move with a ‘volley of praises.’ Some even wondered, if by replying to his tweet will they be honored with coveted titles by the IEIA such as a ‘Paid Bhakt’ or ‘Saffron troll.’ However his ill wishers were happy to find him sober again. Our analysts believe that the last time Mr. CashYep was this sober he came up with the movie of the millennium – Bombay Well Oh Well!

However students of the peaceful religion that has nothing to do with Terrorism were extremely disappointed by this piece of news and expressed their dissatisfaction. BabaAzam Khan declared the decision anti-pisslamic and warned IEIA that this decision will destroy the secular fabric of the nation. Zakir KhalNaik explained that the decision was against the Holy Champak. He quoted from the verse 420, “Kafirs can never be Katils.”

Asaduddin Maveshi reminded IEIA that, “There are only two businesses remaining in which our community commands the Monopoly: Running Barber shops and shops of Barbarianism. He added that it will affect the employment opportunities of the students of the peaceful community.

Our reporter found a youth with a goatee (but no moustache) protesting outside IEIA wrapped up in ISIS flag. He agreed to give us a statement only if we reveal his identity. He accused IEIA of Saffronizing Terror. He told us stories of many Yakubs Afzals and Wanis who had tried their level best to clear CAT. “Bomb Blasts, Murders, Beheading Kafirs, Suicide Bombings, Open fires, Plane Hijacks and what not..! We have tried everything, did all that we could. To what end? To be labeled a ‘Misguided Youth’ and ‘Son of a Headmaster’ and now IEIA has come up with this! It is disgusting and Shameful.”

He left the conversation abruptly in the middle and started protesting against Mrs Barkha Hafiz who had just come out of IEIA Headquarters by showing her Saffron flags raising peaceful slogans of ‘Allah hu Birbal’.

We request the sickulars and pseudo Liberals of the nation to come in support of this path-breaking (Read: Nation Breaking) decision of the IEIA. We believe it will help us in advancing our agenda of “Sabka Saath Sabka Aatankwad”

Disclaimer: This report is a work of Science Fiction. It is based on the activities that have recently taken place in a Parallel Universe (Trust Me, I study quantum physics). Any resemblance to any person or animal, living or dead or to be born will be purely coincidental

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