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HomeSatireAn appeal on behalf of Jaish-e-Mohammed

An appeal on behalf of Jaish-e-Mohammed

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Dear Friends of Jihad Central – India Liaison Office comprising its Office bearers, Salaried propagandists, Media operators, Political consultants, Public jihadillectuals, Student jihadists and Jihadilettes – and all other overt & covert operators.

This goes out to select groups of people like you, who are united by our burning desire to burn and break up India and offer it for digestion as a trophy to the Jihad of the Umma, working closely with its sympathetic leftist, socialist, evangelical and Dravidian and assorted elements of India – on the basis of a united common minimum program, namely – breaking India to pieces. PBUI. Pieces Be Upon It.

Assalaamu aleikum. Alhamdullillaah. Bismillah ir rahman ir rahim. La ilaha illallaaha muhmadun rasul allah. Masha allah!
Bharat tere tukde honge, Insha allah, Insha allah!
From Dar al-Harb to Dar al-Islam!
Bharat mata ki jai! Pakistan Papa ki Jaish!

This was to have been a SECRET communique on behalf of our beloved and venerable leader Hazrat Maulana Masood Azharji, who has taken it upon himself to spread the holy Jihad all over Dar-al-Harb, and in our case, the whole of India via Kashmir – and whose January 2000 advice, we try to sincerely follow in words as well as deeds.

Marry for jihad, give birth for jihad and earn money only for jihad till the cruelty of America and India ends!

However, since many of you have already surfaced, blowing your cover because you were all so overcome with affection and admiration towards JeM (for routinely carrying out the noble acts of sacrificing Indian Forces and its citizens at Kashmir and elsewhere) and the Great Pakistani PM Imran Khan’s recent sanctimonious utterings, that you gave away your true identity, and have emerged from UG – so, there is no need for us to operate under a cloak of secrecy; the whole world knows that we are on the side of Jihad and other assorted forces which are on a holy mission of breaking India apart.

So this open letter, which is also being released in public.

Aren’t we proud of our exalted motives, holy desires and incredible accomplishments?

To reiterate the basics, we all know that how joyous we have been; we were all very happy about the way our ‘Army of the Prophet Mohammed’ aka JeM is willing to go to extraordinary lengths, to teach India its well deserved lessons and serve it, its well justified just desserts. The recent one in the extraordinary series of teachings has been, the show-and-tell (or bomb-and-kill) session at Pulwama.

Of course, we have been cheer-leading our Islamists in many ways – directly and indirectly; we all know that we are always grateful to our paymasters and overseas handlers – and are always willing to please them in as many ways as possible. In fact, our very source and fact of existence can be rightly traced to them.

As this juncture, let me congratulate our group on its many a positive act in support of our Jihadi mission; so far, we have done extremely well in our coordinated campaigns (along with the like minded Christian Evangelical brethren, Human rights groups and Maoists) in India, about the following issues and narratives that we have painstakingly created out of thin air; in these holy efforts, we have also extensively used the traditional ‘fault lines’ in the Indian society, as per the advice of our super handlers – ISI.

  • ‘Rising intolerance’
  • ‘Hindu Terror’
  • ‘Hindutva Nazis’
  • ‘Saffron Terror’
  • ‘Award wapasi mela’
  • ‘Honour killings’
  • ‘Atrocities on Dalits’
  • ‘Development at the cost of Adivasis’
  • ‘Ambanis and Adanis are running the nation’
  • ‘Lynchings’
  • ‘Minorities living in FEAR!’
  • ‘Break the Brahminical Patriarchy’
  • ‘No jobs are created’
  • ‘Agrarian Crisis’
  • ‘Industrial stagnation’
  • ‘Stockmarket meltdown’
  • ‘Rafale corruption’
  • ‘Peace activism’
  • ‘Development for whom?’
  • ‘Bad growth rate’
  • ‘Finance mess’
  • ‘Armed forces morale down’
  • Whataboutery

These are in addition to our old cards such as ‘Brahmin-Baniya’ conspiracy, Domination of Tata-Birlas, Casteism, Regionalism, Linguistic chauvinism etc, Ramjanmabhoomi, Student activism etc etc. We have also been very successful at being eloquent apologetics for our Jihadi islamic terror.

We have also developed, groomed, encouraged and used our overseas assets for the due recognition of the great forces that shaped India such as Mughals (especially Aurangzeb), Tipu sultan, British, French et al. In these, our overseas brethren & sisters have been very helpful – especially, the media outlets such as CNN, NYT and Washington Post.

Not only that, we have used the upcoming technologies like ict.js (IslamicCovertTechology.JihadiScript) extensively, in these days of social media activism to further our cause.

Most importantly, we have gone out of the way to help each other out of controversies and difficult situations, which many of us seem to frequently land in. This is because – We know that we are ONE TEAM and our ONLY mission is Jihad.

I am sure, we will have many, many more feathers to add to our virtual skullcaps in the days to come, even as we steadfastly progress towards our dream of making India, an Islamic State. Inshah allah.

Now for the two appeals:

JeM and its sisterly/brotherly organizations like Taliban, Al Quaeda, Islamic State, Lashker-e-Tayyiba have always been prompt in their payments and financial settlements.

However, due to the recent cowardly acts of the State of India, there have been minor setbacks like martyring of most of our leadership and clearing of our fixed assets so kindly provided by the ISI brethren in Balakot, Pakistan – because of which, there could be some temporary delays in payments that you have been otherwise regularly receiving – in cash and in kind and in protection. However, be assured that you will receive your payments, along with backlogs if any, in due course.

In case you have any concerns here, please do not hesitate to contact the undersigned. There need not be any sense of shame associated with your demand for payments, as they are rightfully your due.

Now, even appealing for this second one breaks my heart. 🙁

I am hearing from reliable sources such as Shah Mahmood Qureshi, the Foreign Minister of our beloved nation Pakistan, that, our leader The Maulana is, so unwell that he is really unwell to make a public appearance, and because he is so very unwell, he’s unwell to the extent that he can’t leave house because he is really unwell. That’s all the information he has. Oh, well.

This mourning, when I tried to contact our beloved leader’s own Madrasa – Taleem-ul-Quran at Mansehra (Balakot), I was not able to get through to any of our handlers up there.

…and am sure, many of you have been trying desperately to get in touch with them – as any Jihadi activity like ours, needs expert guidance from overseas.

I tried all the available JeM contact numbers with me; for your ready reference, I am providing them +1 92 321 538 1893 and +1 92 321 701 5917 – you can confirm them with the advertisement for the Madrasa of our beloved leader as above.

Apparently the users of these numbers are in a non-coverage area and that’s why I am not able to connect to them. I find it rather surprising that just a week back or so, I was able to converse with them and take their instructions – and now, this is the constant message that I get. 🙁

May be it is unfortunate that cell phone coverage does not extend to jannat. Oh what to do. With all the available technologies at our disposal, especially in the realm of telecom, it is a pity that we have not developed a technology yet, for our Jihadi brethren, that will make them stay in touch with their well-wishers & followers like us.

Or, could it be possible that our guiding lights are in the delightful & rousing company of the virginous 72 houris because of which they are not able to pick up our desperate and anguished calls?


Anyway, I request all the rightly left thinking liberal people of India, to rally for the help, support and assistance of JeM, a gem of an organization – when it needs them the most.

Let us continue to push for Jihad in all its splendor, glory and bounty! Let us continue to work as if nothing had happened. Let us continue to practice FUD tactics (planting Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt), golden yellow journalism, subterfuge, rampant activism & protests, spreading of fake news and false narratives. Anything is worth it in the cause of Jihad, especially when all of us emerge richer in the process.

And do not, repeat, DO NOT allow our common enemy Narendra Modi to become the Prime Minister of India again. So, continue to do whatever that is needed – you are all well experienced experts at that.

Please note that, anyone but Modi is preferable for the continued success our Jihadi efforts. Even Rahul Gandhi. Even delightful clowns like MK Stalin.

Sincerely in your fight against the Kufr,


Ibn EVRamasami Abu Jihad al-Madrassi

May Bharat, the country of Kufrs, be soon converted to an Islamic State. Inshah Allah.

Postscript: A semi-finished encrypted listing of the intended recipients is available elsewhere.

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