The staff in the Editors guild of India informally known as the voice of “Maa-Beta party” is very busy hurriedly making last minute arrangements of video conferencing interview of “Taliban Leader” of the new Taliban regime in Afghanistan.
Ms. Tima Gustofa of Editors guild India quickly runs her glance over the attendees and gives a nod of approval to her secretary cum Afghan interpreter after finding- Runk Deep Mar Desai, Broker Gupta, Barren Flopper, Pagalika Ghost, Doorka Butt and Marish Kumar Ghandey all waiting impatiently to go ahead with the video conferencing. “Gentleman! The floor is yours please shoot your questions”, she announces.
Broker Gupta– Sir! since I am in my elements when I do walk the talk interview with my Guest, may I request you to start walking in your conference room while I start walking around the press room here? OK that is perfect! And now please allow me to express my admiration- your majestic walk reminds me of Lion in the Jungle.
(The Taliban chief roared like a Lion and amused himself and the press room)
Sir! Here is my question for you- what is going to be your USP in making your ministries?
T.L- That is a Good question! We are going to have separate ministry for “Execution and Burials”, which will be under me and that will be our USP.
Broker Gupta– Sir! What about other ministries you propose to have?
T.L- All other ministries will be supportive ministries revolving around the main ministry under me. Like Home ministry for identifying enemies and kefirs for executions, Industry ministry for providing resources like beheading weapons, burial grounds, crowd management, Finance ministry for budgeting our annual execution targets and subsequent “swachhata Abhiyan”, Human Resource Ministry for training our executioners, IT ministry for spying through electronic surveillance and identifying enemies and Kafirs, etc.
Barren Flopper- Sir! Would you not have Agriculture Ministry? How will you feed your population?
T.L- Of course. We will be nationalizing the Poppy cultivation and we will open online portal for our customers to facilitate order processing and delivery at places of their choice. As far as provision of food to the population and other civic amenities that will be the headache of Pakistan and China.
Barren Flopper- That is a Brilliant Agricultural reform Sir! Keeping it simple and smart. I wish our country’s leadership could learn a thing or two from you on farm reforms.
Runk Deep Mardesai- Sir! We are quite enamored with your focused approach, concentrating on your core strength and leaving the sundry activities like providing food for the population and other aspects of governance to Pakistan and China. As such I do not have any particular question in my mind but just wanted to let you know that in case one of your ministers or yourself or any of the other spokespersons for Taliban-Afghanistan ends up making a lose, damaging and self defeating official statements, you can always rely on me and my channel. We will give you enough opportunity to deny that and give wide publicity like the way we did it when Pakistan’s science and Technology Minister admitted in their Parliament to Pakistan hand in Phulwama terror attack, but then we enabled him to wriggle out of it by disproving that he ever made such statements.
T.L- That is very nice of you. In return we will definitely consider making you head of Taliban Today Channel and no one will dare to man handle you like they did in Madison square.
Doorka Butt- Sir! Thank you for talking to me, first of all let me apologize for not wearing the Burqa, but next time I will remember to keep one with me for such occasions. I am very disappointed that I did not get an opportunity to cover your fight and victorious march to Kabul. As you know I really made quite a name for myself covering “Kargil war”, “Mumbai terror attack” etc, I am in my elements as a field reporter. Hope I will be invited for all your future operations.
T.L- Oh! Madam Doorka Butt, to be frank with you we would not like our enemies to know what we are up to during our operations, like the way you helped ISI and Pakistan army while covering Kargil and Mumbai terror attack. We definitely would like to invite you to our burial ceremony, where you can set up your on site office instantly and start covering and tell the world as to how efficiently we bury the dead. We were very impressed by your coverage in India from cremation grounds on COVID victims. The good thing is that you do not have to fake the number of victims and escalate like you did in India because there will be no dearth of dead bodies waiting for burial. Lastly you need not have to apologize for not wearing the Burqa, personalities like you would not have to bother with it.
Pagalika Ghost- Sir! As you can see I have made a make-shift Burqa with my COVID face mask and next time I too will have burqa at hand ready for such conference. One thing that I really admire is that the Talibanis are not Nationalists, you may be knowing as to how allergic we are to Nationalism and Nationalists. That Taliban has Pan Islamic vision instead of being narrowly focused on Afghanistan is highly commendable. Sir! My question is how you propose to motivate your Taliban force now that the war is over.
T.L- Thank you Pagalika Madam for your kind words. Yes! Motivating the Talibani volunteers will be a big headache. We will have to invent new enemies and we may be bringing in reservation and quota system so that every Talibani gets equal chance and share to kill the kafirs. We will restrict number of beheadings a Talibani may commit and we may also think of dismembering the victim part by part instead of one shot beheading so that there is equal opportunity for everyone to get motivated and we can achieve social justice.
Pagalika- Sir! The world is concerned about status of women and their plight in the New Taliban society of Afghanistan, would you like to share some reassuring words?
T.L- You can expect lot of liberal approach towards issues concerning women of Afghanistan. The Sex slaves will have option to choose who they would like to serve. The Burqa they wear need not be of black colour, they will have complete freedom to choose the colour of their choice. As and when they are faced with the situation of public flogging for offences committed by them they will have a complete say on the mode of punishment- be it lynching with lahses, Sticks, corrugated steel rods stoning, etc. They also will have online facility for Madrassa education as well as door delivery of items they wish to purchase so that they need not have to get out of their home on to the streets.
Pagalika- That is awesome. I will be writing a piece about the Liberal storm that is sweeping Afghanistan under Taliban regime, already got a request from Cheif Editor “Times of Bharat” that OPEd space has been reserved for tomorrow’s edition.
Editor’s guild chair person–
Ladies and gentleman! We are running out of time. Mr. Marish Kumar Ghandey please take the mike and be brief in whatever you have to ask.
Marish kumar Ghandey- Sir! Myself Marish Kumar from Old Delhi Television and I am a winner of Magsaysay award. We are highly impressed with your justice delivery system. Lightning like speedy justice delivery system, unlike India were The justice is delayed by cumber some process of appeals in lower court, higher court, Supreme court, presidential appeals, review petitions and last hour appeals to the Supreme court in the wee hours of morning to reconsider commuting death sentence etc. As such I do not have any question from my side right now but I have been directed by our “ Maai–Baaps“ to ask you whether you would be willing to train our forever young Leader of “Maa–Beta“ party as to how to capture power.
T.L- Mr. Marish Kumar! Unfortunately we may not be able to train your forever youth leader. As a matter of fact we may find it easier to emote our love for the western world than train your aspiring Leader to capture power. There are certain things which are beyond us too. Secondly I am happy that you are impressed with our justice delivery system, but please do not again make the mistake of showing a Muslim man being tested for Covid in India in your channel, because instead being forced to remove the news item, you will find your news channel and the staff removed for ever from the world.
T.L- Thank you Ladies and Gentlemen, If you would excuse me, I have to attend a public execution ceremony in few minutes and I am running late for it. I will have to thank the Editors Guild chair person specially for not inviting– Daranak Awesome Swami. He really scares us when he says, “I dare you to face me and answer my question”. His menacing stare really make us nervous.
As the video conference was wounding up with all the participants beaming with cheer full disposition a news room guy announces that the daily COVID vaccinations have crossed 1 core mark in India for the third day in a row and in Kerala the daily COVID cases is hitting an all time record high for the Indian states. All of them in one chorus, “Oh! Come on why are you spoiling our mood of elation by giving this bad news one after the another“.
