Lutyensland

All the recent clamour about Lutyens media and Lutyens Delhi forced me to reflect on this unique nation within our country. Yes, those of us who have heard or sometimes visited La! La! Land, Lutyensland is a notch higher. It is a zone that one needs to enter just before ‘social nirvana’ is achieved, where no event in the city of Delhi is complete without your benign presence.

I have been blessed to have witnessed the citizens of this unique nation in close proximity.

This land is fenceless, yet it is fiercely guarded by the Lutyens Gang. You cannot enter unless you have the following – ‘real’ money, apparent wealth, power and connections.

You may or may not have a physical home in this exalted area, but, since Lutyenitist is also a mental state, you are by default an incumbent beneficiary.

And there are rules to follow.

Never mean what you say or say what you mean.

Be excessively sweet, sugary sweet, even though you detest the person you are interacting with. Master the art of fake conversations and hypocrisy. Drop names, flaunt albeit subtly, all your assets!

Use people. Be so exceedingly nice to them when you need them and once your work is done, you can look through these lesser mortals, if and when, God forbid, you happen to bump into them.

Next comes the most important rule – Never promote deserving ones.

Be quick to recognise them and ensure you use their talent to your advantage. When they become dependent and consumed, you already know what to do – DISCARD and NEVER look back.

In case it is a woman, you have and added advantage. She cannot refuse you, however old, pot-belled you might be, because you are the entitled ‘silver-fox.’ Don’t ever forget that.

Lutyensland has its own language and religion too.

English is the preferred means of communication and it can be spoken with various fake accents, acquired during your well-funded higher education in tony schools/colleges abroad. These educational jaunts are totally cosmetic in most cases – remember, no one will ever check your mark-sheet, unless you happen to grapple with a certain Mr. Swamy!

Your religion is Sickular. You prefer to be the ever-so-liberated evolved God’s gift to mankind. Why bother about Hinduism, when you have Buddhist Chanting. Ensure that you know a few Sufi ‘artists’ on a first-name basis. You see, they add character to your parties! Always remember, yoga from designer gurus and visits to fancy Ayurvedic spas should be how you associate with Indian culture.

Wear the latest designer clothes from abroad and never be spotted without the quintessential LVMH bag and Gucci swag!

Please only eat at the most exclusive eateries that serve exotic cuisines. The humble dal-roti is to be partaken specifically behind closed doors and the privacy of your home. And never be caught relishing Desi sweets! You are made only for the finest imported chocolates, even during Indian festivals.

And finally — have attitude. You can dismiss people with wave of your hand and your mere presence is reason enough to celebrate. Bring on the Havanas and the mulled wines, because in Lutyensland, they are the only ones that have age! You my dear, are meant to be immortal.

And in your world of designer originals, the only thing fake is…YOU!

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