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Satire: 10 points of INC manifesto leaked

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Trolling Monk
Indian, Karnataka roots, Ronaldo fan, Right to Commonsense activist

From past few days leading up to April 1 (Pappu Diwas) Rahul Gandhi has been tweeting his plans/ points in his manifesto that will be implemented if his party comes to power. Some of the plans are really outrageous and the Math doesn’t add up. Then I thought about people surrounding him who are popularly called Pidi Squad, I understand that the Math actually need not add up. So on this auspicious occasion of Pappu Diwas I’m releasing an important set of 10 points from the Congress manifesto which has been leaked to me by a reliable source in the famed Pidi Squad.

  1. We will contact all the industrialists who have run away from India after taking loans and ask them to return. They will be rehabilitated with a one-time loan waiver scheme where all their loans will be waived off. We will offer them fresh loans at low-interest rates so that they can start new ventures here which will help in employment generation.
  2. We will stop construction of all bridges over any river in India. We will also bring in a scheme to destroy all the bridges that have already been constructed over various rivers in India. This will ensure employment to bridge destroyers in the short term and permanent employment & assured income to boatmen in the long term.
  3. We will take away all the gas cylinders given to poor by this fascist government so that it generates employment to potters who make the humble Chulas.
  4. We will also take away power connections given to poor people under Soubhagya scheme. This scheme has destroyed the jobs of people who make Kerosene lamps. With this, we will restore those jobs.
  5. Rafale Jets cost 1600 crores each and generate employment to only 2 pilots. We will cancel this regressive deal and provide IAF with Auto-rickshaws. Since each Auto costs only 3 Lakhs, we can generate over 53000 jobs at the cost of 1 aircraft.
  6. With heightened national security many terrorists have lost their jobs. Many of them are from Kashmir and the state I’m going to represent now Kerala. To solve this problem we will reduce national security to an extent where it can create sustainable employment to our youth from Kashmir and Kerala.
  7. Jawaharlal Nehru ensured electricity should not be provided to every home in urban section so that famous scientists like APJ Abdul Kalam can emerge by studying under street lamps. This fascist government has destroyed this facility by providing 100% urban electrification. We will return this to normalcy so that great talents can emerge again.
  8. Coming to sports, IPL is a very popular league in India. But it does not believe in equitable development. Out of 8 teams, till now 3 teams have never won the tournament. Also, the number of teams are very less. We will introduce a team for every state and union territory. We will also ensure equitable development by bringing in a rule saying that the winner will be announced in alphabetical order irrespective of their performance.
  9. To ensure women’s safety, we will remove all women working in various government organizations and ask the private sector to follow suit. We will deposit their salary to their bank account so to alleviate their loss of income. Like our new ally Saudi Arabia we will also bring in law that the women should be escorted by a male family member if they have to roam outside their home.
  10. This fascist government has destroyed minorities. We will bring a law that gives citizenship rights to all Muslims who want to enter and live in India. To ensure the population is balanced we will take away the citizenship of an equal number of Hindus.

I also came to know that no one is allowed to question the Math or logic in the manifesto. If anyone from the opposition asks questions on this the Pidi Squad is asked to lie about 15 Lakhs and 2 Crore jobs which BJP never promised. The squad has also been asked to note down anyone who questions the supreme leader so that he/she can be taught a lesson when Congress returns to Power. This, I’m told, is the hidden point of the manifesto.

Disclaimer: This piece is written as satire. If any of the points mentioned in this “leaked manifesto” do get implemented (which may indeed happen) it is purely coincidental and the author solemnly promises that he will not claim “Messenger of God” status based on this article if any/all of these points are implemented if Congress comes to power

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Trolling Monk
Indian, Karnataka roots, Ronaldo fan, Right to Commonsense activist

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