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A letter from Kanhaiya Kumar

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Hey guys, sup? Lal salam.

It’s me, Kanhaiya. You might have heard of me, I’m the intellectuals new anti-Modi hope, after Kejriwal and Rahul proved to be such a big dud.

Just a quick intro before we proceed. I’m from Bihar, I’m a 29-year-old student at JNU. A lot of people mock the fact that I’m too old to be a student, and that I should get a job, but screw the haters. They don’t realize the feeling of Azadi you get when you are a student, and I don’t ever want to let that go. I believe that studying is a lifetime process and I plan to keep studying till I retire. #YOLO, right?

I’m also the President of the JNU Student’s Union – You should totally see old videos of how I defeated my opponents. I rock. Like, I’m a total rockstar. But seriously guys, check ‘em out. Don’t forget to like those videos. Also, add me on Twitter and Facebook.

Ok, where was I? Damn I lost my train of thought. Oh yeah. JNU. So yeah, you must have heard of what’s been happening here over the last month. We were just expressing solidarity with a martyr/freedom fighter who attacked the Indian Parliament. That was only because of our well-established belief that India is an artificial construct and not a real country.

Things got so weird man, I mean like this is pretty much what we’ve always done. It’s a time-honoured ritual in JNU to be anti-Indian. Like, screw the state and artificial borders man. We just dream of a perfect world where workers rise up, kill everyone else and create a utopia. We just need to get rid of all those pesky bourgeois douchebags first (that probably includes most of my fellow students, their families and friends, but whatevs, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it).

So, where was I? Right, JNU. So yeah, this is what we always did. We used to come to college in the morning, raise slogans, spray some graffiti, maybe terrify a few grandmothers with our edgy slogans, wrap-up and then head home. This was the tradition in JNU, so I don’t see what the big deal was with this particular episode. But man, people totally lost their heads! Almost like they didn’t realize that this is what a good JNU student always does. Damn plebians expected us to act according to their quaint, outdated notions of nationalism and patriotism, when we are quite obviously too cool and enlightened for that.

This government is another piece of work man, in the past we had done and gotten away with way worse stuff, but these damn Sanghi, Hindoo nationalists totally dragged my ass off to jail for such a trivial “offense”. Talk about overreactions.

The courts finally saw sense and let me out. And that brings us to this moment. The very fact that you’re reading this letter shows that you’re aware of my speech and how cool I am. But man, it was scary there for a bit, as soon as I was released, I was wondering about what I should do next. Obviously my fellow comrades at JNU expected a victory speech, and there was gonna be heavy media coverage. I was totally nervous about what I should say, because all I had were these same old lame-ass slogans, quotes and phrases that we communists have been peddling for years and years and years. No one’s going to buy that anymore. Yeah sure, I may get a rockstar treatment from my fellow JNU crowd, but the larger audience watching will pretty much laugh at my face. I was panicking.

That was when a few mediapersons approached me, and asked me to recycle my tired old speech. They said, “Don’t worry Kannu beta, we know it’s all clichéd and crap, but we’ll spin it in such a way that you’ll come out looking like a total boss. A rockstar even

I was like, “Are you guys serious? I’m just going to rehash our tired and worn-out communist phrases like Socialism, Secularism, and Equality which we’ve literally used a billion times before. As well as clichés like upliftment of the poor, elimination of corruption, development of the nation, a just and free society and blah blah. I’m going to act like we communists provide azadi to dissenters and opponents, and promote free speech and thoughts, when anyone with half a brain and an internet connection can do a quick fact-check and see how it’s all just a bunch of hot air”.

I’m also going to attack the BJP government for everything wrong with the country and act like they’ve been in charge for 60+ years and ruined the country with their policies, in spite of the fact that it was the Congress and their communist-inspired lunatic policies that dug the nation’s grave. I’m also going to pretend that West Bengal and Kerala are not basket cases, and are in fact well developed economies with 100% employment and justice, under communist rule. And that there’s no stifling of free speech and dissent in those states. And that people don’t have to travel out of those states for their very survival and livelihood.”

I asked them, “Seriously guys, do you think this is going to work? I know people have short memories, but this is ridiculous. Won’t people see that communism has been thoroughly discredited the world over, and is responsible for some of the most horrendous mass-murdering lunatic regimes the world has ever seen, and how they absolutely clamp down on dissent, free speech and differences of opinion, and keep their countries dirt poor?”

I mean, even I don’t believe in most of the kool-aid these guys peddle. I’m just in it for my fifteen minutes of fame. And maybe get a political ticket out of it (not in Bihar though, I’d be killed off in a second, and stand virtually no chance there. I was thinking of some place maybe in West Bengal) or become a professor at JNU, and retire comfortably. To be honest, the only reason I even wanted to make this speech was because that maha-douche, Umar, got free publicity while I was stuck in jail, and getting thrashed. Hold on, I thought, I should be the one getting famous, not that blanket wearing freeloader.

So yeah, I had all these doubts and questions running through my head, and I told the media guys, “Do you really think anyone will buy this crap? Will they not see right through me, and communism? They’ll see that we are only fit for raising slogans and writing speeches, and that we did absolutely nothing for the 60+ years that we and our Congress friends were in power, and in fact kept the country poor. Most of India is still poor, and I’m going to be selling them the same, stale old slogans. It’s going to be a disaster”

The media guys told me, “Kannu bro, relax. We have experience. By the time we are done, you’ll look like the second coming of Sri Sri Kejriwal. There are a lot of fools who’ll hop on to your bandwagon, because it’ll be the trendy thing to do.”

I really hope they were right, and it works. Anyway, I’m off to my room to practice some more slogans. Remember, the BJP is the absolute worst and they’ve failed this nation for 60+ years. We communists will develop India into a superpower economy. We’ll welcome industries, provide jobs and increase wealth. That’s a guarantee. You can see how well communists have developed their countries across the world. No more poor peeps, and hunger.

And remember, like and share my videos. Add me on Twitter and FB.

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