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HomeSatireA no-holds-barred discussion on legal options available to Karti Chidambaram

A no-holds-barred discussion on legal options available to Karti Chidambaram

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As the Special Judge wrote his order on the CBI demand for further custody inside the Patiala court, Karti Chidambaram was enjoying outside the court the ‘welcome break’, the rare and special ‘moments of freedom’ that an under trial gets. If the world had changed in the past 5 days, according to News18, Karti had no means to know. Karti did not feel so. It was the same world he left 5 days ago.

As Karti was impressing the journalists assembled outside the CBI court with his ‘cool’ ‘little banter’, the astute lawyer in Sr. Chidambaram said he should use the time to devise the legal strategy.

PC: Hey Abhi, what do you think of the case?

Abhishek Manu Singhvi (AMS) (lost in thoughts): Ha…Anita wouldn’t have got such a big discount…at least she didn’t tell me…

PC (irritated): I didn’t mean Nirav Modi’s case…I was talking about my son…

AMS: Hmmm…let’s wait for the order.

PC (contemptuously): And this is your reading of the situation? Who said you’re a senior lawyer? When did you win a case last?

AMS (angrily): Don’t underestimate me. You know what ThePrint says about me? The latest bugbear of BJP.

PC: Shekhar Gupta? Who knows better than me what kinda stories one can get out of him?

AMS (gets up): If you’re so disappointed with me…I am quitting. Hire another lawyer. Maybe Kapil Sibal.

PC: Kapil Sibal!!! Noooooooo… Nightmare that would be. Please, please…don’t push me to…

Seeing his father pleading with AMS, Karti decides to come to his father’s defense.

Karti: Appa, why do plead with this guy? As if he is the one who is going to save me. Why don’t you change the judge? Where is O.P Sai…

PC (jumps and puts his fingers across Karti’s mouth to stop him): Shut up. Just shut up. Media is around…

Karti: Media? Hahaha…media? These guys? They’re just family…Don’t worry about them. The NDTV girl says the judge is writing the order. How dare he? Did you not give him the draft?

PC: Shut up, you idiot…we’re not in power.

Karti: Is it?

AMS: You don’t know that? God! Why is Congress cursed with such dumb-ass sons?

Pallavi Gosh of News18 (PGN): Does it include Rahul? Then I object. Rahul baba is smart. Haven’t you seen the explosive Pidi interview?

Sagarika Ghose (SG): Ha…that’s so uncharitable Singhvi saab. After all, Rahul baba is a loving grandson.

PC: As if Karti doesn’t have a grandmother.

SG: That’s not the point. Everyone who has a grandmother doesn’t become a grandson…

Karti (irritated): Appa, why do you waste time with these morons? Get me out fast. I’ve to do a couple of transactions urgently.

PC: Transactions? What transactions?

Karti: Last week, when I was in London, I identified an amazing property across the Thames. Spread over 8 acres, the massive building has 1,100 rooms. Most happening place…British politicians frequent it…

AMS (thinking out loudly): Hmm…across the Thames…Politicians…saale, that is Westminster Palace, British Parliament! That’s not for sale…

Karti (retorts): But I’m a global citizen with a networth of 6 lac crore. Mind it! I’ve properties across the world. Why not Westminster? What is so special?

PC: Abhi, let me handle this. (Turning to Karti) Of course, it’s an amazing property, my son, but you know what? Swiggy does not deliver food there. Why would you want to be in a place where Swiggy doesn’t deliver food?

Karti: Makes sense. Let me drop it from my radar.

J Gopikrishnan Pioneer (JGP): Sahi report padaa maine

PC: What report?

JGP: Smita Barooah, a mental health professional, says your son is so cocooned from reality that he can get away with anything…he is above the law of the land…

Rajdeep Sardesai (RS): Ignore these right-wing morons. I can do a quick interview of the decade now with Karti. What say you?

JGP: If this is going to be the interview of the decade, then what was it with Sonia a few months ago?

RS (talking to himself): This is the problem with right-wing morons. They don’t forget your past. (loudly) I’ve a better idea. Shall we call it the interview of the century?

PC (irritated): Rajdeep, we’ve better things to do now. Leave us alone. (Turning to AMS) Will the judge extend the remand?

AMS: Another week or more in custody is not the issue, but the case against Karti is strong. As if Swamy is not enough, Gurumurthy also has jumped into this case.

Karti: What is so strong in the case? That Peter and Indrani paid me Rs. 3.5 crores! Sappamatter (insignificant issue). Appa will make them say that they gifted it to my daughter out of their love for my father-in-law. Case solved.

RS: Yeah, I can ask where is the bribe bribe just as I asked where was the fraud in National Herald case.

AMS: It is these stupid wills that have put you in problem now. And you stored them in your laptop? Idiot.

Karti: You guys don’t know how to think out of the box. What is the problem? The bribe money was received in Advantage Consulting, I transferred the shares to my friends, and they willed it to my daughter. Isn’t that the case? And Gurumurthy tom toms that they are my benamis. What if another of my friends adopts my daughter. She’s no longer my daughter. No bribe. Case solved.

PGN (talking to herself): Looks like I have to change my loyalty. He seems to be a bigger moron than Rahul baba…

AMS (shaking his head): You’re impossible.

Karti (unaffected by AMS’s response): Ok, I’ve another idea. Appa, why don’t you ask the Finance Ministry guys to misplace the FIPB approval papers for foreign investment in Inx? No FIPB approval. No bribe. No case.

PC: How many times do I have to remind you that we are not in power?

Karti: But that doesn’t make any difference. You’ve been getting documents misplaced with ease even in the current government. Why not now?

Meanwhile the Special Judge extends Karti’s custody by three more days. Police come to take Karti with them.

AMS (jumps from where he was sitting): Chidu, I’ve got a new idea to get your son out.

PC (eagerly): What?

AMS: So far, I’ve been questioning the credibility of Indrani’s evidence. Better thing is to question…

Karti (turns to his father): Appa, last time I waved my hand from the police vehicle. What do I do this time to show I am cool?

AMS (before PC could respond to the question): Karti, it’s very simple. You don’t let the police escort you. Run now and dive into the vehicle through the window. Start…

As Karti gives the police a slip and runs towards the vehicle and as media cameras hungrily capture the insane sprint…

AMS: This is my defense. Instead of questioning Indrani’s credibility, I am going to question your son’s mental stability. How does it sound?

PS: Dear reader, If you thought that the above conversation did in fact take place, it would not make it real, it would only show how poorly you hold our politicians and media men.

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