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A Go-to list of all festivals to be banned – collated by a Pseudo-secular Indian.

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(First published as a Facebook post on January 9th)

Hi,

I am an Indian Secular and am just trying to get it straight for all of you here, about how we seculars feel about these Indian festivals.

Going chronologically from Jan to Dec. Bear with me… this list is so long. Gosh! Why do you communal folks need to celebrate so many festivals yaar?? Well… Here it goes…

January… Sankranti/Lohri/Pongal

1. Kite flying in Sankranti kills birds, but kite festivals in other parts of the world do not. Period. Nor are birds killed for all the chicken wings eaten all year around or the turkey consumed during thanks giving. The birds sign up for it.

Also, remember… millions of lanterns, released into the sky for all the Asian festivals do not hurt a single bird. But Hindu kites do. Amazing no!!

2. Jallikattu once a year, in which the bulls race against humans hurts the bulls but bovine slaughter that takes place daily in millions and billions does not hurt a single bovine. Nor do Bulls get hurt in a gory Spanish Bull-fight. And guess what… the camel race, dog shows, etc etc all are done with the animal’s consent. PETA has their NOC.
Same for cock fights. They hurt the cocks.

Tch tch!! Why hurt them?? Simply kill them yaar! They are so delicious.

PS: Lohri and Bogi bonfires cause global pollution. But we intellectuals are right now focusing on other bans. Wait for it. We’ll protest Bonfires of Lohri, Bogi and Holika too.

February… Shiv Raatri, Valentine’s Day, Kumbh…

3. Milk poured on Shiva linga during Shivratri is such a waste. But of course… the thousands of candles burned, chaadaars offered… all do good for the society. Got it??

Also… how can God be in a stone?? Such superstitions!! But of course… devil can. That is why we stone the devil at Haj. You see. Simple logic.

4. Celebrating Valentine’s day is progressive guys. Celebrating Karwa Chauth/Raksha-Bandhan?? Sheesh! Those are not just regressive, but is downright patriarchal.

March… Holi

5. Let’s see this one in detail… Playing Holi is…
a. A waste of water.
b. Bad for skin.
But applying facepaint for Halloween is fantastic for skin while millions of gallons used in slaughter houses, golf courses, water parks, just to name a few.. is no wastage at all.
Oh… and organizing a tomatina festival is progressive, liberal, modern and fun. 🙂

April… Ugadi, Vishu, Easter, Ram Navami, Hanuman Jayanthi…

6. Gudi Padwa/Ugadi… The seculars have not come up with a nice anti-festival propaganda. Wait for it. They’re getting there.

7. Easter: The idea of resurrection is scientific. Easter Bunnies, St. Patrick’s Day Leprechaun, are all real. Honor them Celebrate these festivals.
But of course.. Hanuman and Ram are imaginary. Ram Navami, Hanuman Jayanthi are regressive and superstitious.

May… Cannot remember a festival… else would have boycotted it for sure.

June… Rath Yatra

8. It causes stampede. Duh!!
Ban it!! Ban it!!
But of course… don’t even compare with people getting killed in Hajj. That is minuscule. Just a few hundreds every year. Let us send more peope to hajj on subsidy. Yaay!! Rath Yatra on the other hand… is dozens!! DOZENS!

July… Nag Panchami

9. Snakes are captured and tortured. Milk is wasted. Reeks of superstitions. While the animals in the zoo and circuses around the world are all willingly and voluntarily out there for a field trip.

August… Varalakshmi Vratam, Vat Savitri, Krishnaashtami

10. The first two are patriarchal and regressive not to mention, steeped in superstition. Save this country from such 5th century festivities. Praying to god does not give any wealth. Only Santa can get wealth… err I mean gifts. Santa is real after all.

11. Krishnaashtami : Dahi handi is dangerous. Enough said!

September… Ganesh Puja, Onam

12. Idols pollute water. Factories do not. Puja pandals block roads, protest marches and dharnas do not.
Guys… once and for all… let us admit… this festival is a Pin-up Model amongst all the environmentally hazardous festival. Specially since Bollywood is in Maharashtra. Ganesh Puja is celebrated with aplomb there. Tyranny of proximity. We have to protest guys. Else our hypocrisy will be questioned.
Of course, the millions of trees chopped in Christmas and million animals slaughtered for the plethora of Eids are ISO certified environment friendly. So we can happily ignore those. 🙂

13. Onam… Shhhhh! Don’t tell anyone, but we are working on finding something nasty about Onam. For now… let us just say we like pookolam in pictures only. Else we call for a ban of pookolams in offices and institutions. Why you ask?? What a waste of flowers!! Save them for Valentine’s day. Will you?? I love my Roses in valentine’s day. The bouquets look so pretty… even though each of them look exactly like a million others. Unlike the unartistic pookolams which all look so individual. Pooh!!!

Also… Offices should be free of all religious celebrations unless we are putting up a christmas tree and dressing as Santa to office.
October.. Durga Puja, Navraatri, Dussera, Halloween
Ban all!! No exceptions!

14. Durga Puja in a hazard to the environment not to mention causes inconvenience to the us seculars.

15. Dussera is bad for environment. Plus Ravan is so cute yaar. How could you guys make him a villain and burn his effigy?? Down with Ram!! He was a selfish misogynist.

16. Navraatri… You do know right… that Daandiya-Raas is a hotbed of voyeurism, sexism, regressiveness, objectification… and everything evil. Unless you allow our boys to flirt with your girls… in which case we are ok with it.

Oh! And how 10 century like is it to do upvas for 10 days during Navraatri?? When we fast for 40 days of lent and 30 days of Ramzan… it’s so 5th century. It’s progressive. After all… 5 comes before 10.

17. Halloween… Ah! It’s fun partying in the name of the dead and dressing up as devils and witches. Dressing up as Ram and Hanuman for Ramleela…. now that is something that should be stopped. It propagates superstitions.

November… Diwali, Kali Puja, ThanksGiving

18. Diwali is the Lady Gaga of environmentally bad festivals. The Academy award winner so to speak. You see, firecrackers at various opening ceremonies, Gregorian New Year celebrations around the world, Chinese New Year, Weddings, Matches… all the other times… is good for the environment.

But when you burst crackers in Diwali…
I hate it.
My ears hate it.
My lungs hate it.
My dog hates it.
Even my cockroach hates it.
Crackers in the middle of the night on 31st December is soporiferous. Ahhhhhhh!
But on Diwali night, it disturbs my sleep.
So just stop this offensive practice of bursting crackers. Uggh!

19. Kali Puja… What do we say??
Devil worship, regressive, gory… the list of adjectives is long. Yawn!!
Animal Sacrifice hurts animals. Unlike in slaughter houses… where the animals go for a picnic.

20. Thanksgiving… the day when the Turkey gives thanks by beheading itself and getting into the oven to be roasted. So you see… no animal is hurt on thanks giving. No Blood is shed unlike Kali Puja bali. That is why you never see us PETA guys doing dharna on Thanksgiving. Not even in US.
Oh! And we intellectual liberal humans give thanks for all that we already have by going shopping at 12 in the night… and don’t mind standing in lines for 30 hours for our toaster and cookers. What?? We love our toasters.
December… Christmas, New year’s Eve. Yippee!!

21. Christmas: Best festival of all after Eid.
We love the lights.
We love the smell of the millions of trees chopped down and propped up in our living rooms.
We love when pine needles fall on our carpets.
We love when billions are wasted in Christmas lights. Oops! That’s not a waste. Waste is lights during Diwali.
Christmas is a time for love. Duh!! Don’t you watch the Hallmark channel??

22. New Years Eve… what can we say… 🙂
We love when our sleep is disturbed in the middle of night by crackers.
We love when the rate of accidents go up as people are out till dawn partying for just another date change.
Never mind that Corporates, the ad industry, the social media, the entire machinery forces it down our throats calling it special.
You unintellectual, illiberal, communal peoples!! Don’t you know… of all the date changes, this date change is special. Just because we say so.
So we don’t mind crackers.
We don’t care for pollution.
We don’t mind the increase in rapes around the world around this time.
We don’t mind the increase in drunken driving and accidents that happen.
See… everyone is happy!! Till Jan 14th that is… when we start being sad again… because of Sankranti.

Oh! And we are still studying the Rath Yatra, the Kumbh Melas, Sabarimalai, the Amarnath and Vaishno devi Yatras for now. Wait for us to come up with longs lists of how these are bad for the entire human civilization.

Phew!! That was tiring! Time for some Goat Biryani with Vodka under the Christmas lights which I have not removed yet. PS: The goat loved being converted into a biryani. The goat had sworn it. It starts with… ‘Meinnnnn.’

PS: This note was shared by the author on Jan 9th on her personal Facebook page.

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