I cannot change things which I don’t approve of, but I can try not to do the same myself. The problem is people won’t let me try, because we love to talk about changes, but hate to be the change agent. We see quality life-changing films, and come out of theatre talking about what food to eat next rather than discuss what’s really wrong with our society and how we can fix it; basically, convenience over applying any sense. The mentality of the majority is the by-product of our socio-political condition, we dare not think something different from the majority, and hope to succeed, because that works only in scripted movies and some astray cases, not in real life.
I cannot live a life similar to this or that person, I want to carve out a new path for myself, I don’t care if it doesn’t have a precedent, because I know I have the willingness and dedication to walk on my path. Tomorrow, whatever happens will be a result of my decision and I won’t blame anyone but myself for my failures, and for the fear of failures I cannot live a default scripted lifestyle cut out for women. People who love me will remain by my side, and people who chose to judge me and leave me cos I followed a different path never loved me in the first place.
I love children but I don’t see myself as a mother figure (currently), and I feel that this should be an enough reason for people to stop popping the “when are you planning to take a kid” question, but sadly these things don’t matter to people. What matters to them is age, society and the fact that they need a toy to play with. I cannot just produce a kid because others want a grandkid, cousin or niece. I don’t think I am cheating my husband if I don’t want to have a kid, as I still do love him, and I don’t think that making a kid together is the essential prove of my love. Here I am trying to bridge the gap between me and my spouse, trying to build a new foundation, trying to eke out a decent living, do things which I was never able to do because of lack of money, time and so many things, and on the other side of the spectrum people are busy asking me for good news.
It sometimes feel that my worth is nothing if I don’t produce a kid at an appropriate time. Why can’t I just live for myself, follow my dreams and live according to my wish for some time. I know there is no end to wishes and dreams, but frankly speaking I have not covered even 10% of my dream list. I have made it till here all by myself, and I think I will be able to take the decision when to stop the relentless pursuing of dreams. What is there not to understand in such a simple thing? I don’t want a kid since I am not ready, and if I am not ready then who the hell will feed, nourish, trim and prep my kid for the world? How can people not understand something as basic as that and still ask you to get pregnant because the clock is ticking.
Well, fuck the clock! I am selfish, sallow and self-absorbed. I am afraid I won’t have time for myself, I am afraid my body will change, I am afraid of the pain , and there is nothing wrong in me when I think about myself. I am not some altruistic saint, and I don’t want to be on. To all the “clock ticking” lecturers; what if I go through with giving birth, banking on suddenly having all of my feelings changed as soon as that child is in my hands, but the feelings don’t change? Now I’m stuck being a mother, when that’s really not what I want to be. I’d rather not be a mother at all than be one who deeply regrets it. Not only would I be miserable, but my child would be too.
Why does everything needs to be time bound? If I am supposed or destined to have a kid I will have one, so I don’t need to listen to your “wait till you get older” shit. Suppose hell falls on me and, tomorrow I am not able to conceive, big deal! Why can’t I adopt one? I will love him to no ends, because I don’t need the “coming out of my womb “ feeling to love that kid like a mother.
All the above in no way means that I will never want a kid in future, cos live changes and along with it changes your priority. Oh, I guess I’ll have a kid or two at some point of time, but right now, I don’t know what exactly this means . As of today, I don’t want one, but I still want to feel loved, not considered selfish, or less worthy of being a women.
