I was running late for my meeting with the leaders of the 5 Member States of the UN Security Council. Since the meeting happened to be in India, we were meeting in a famous kebab restaurant in UP. When I arrived I saw the five Heads of State sitting on a bench feasting on veg pakoras (there was a shortage of illegal beef that day).
I sat next to Putin who was pulling Trump’s leg:
Putin: You may be the most powerful man in the world. But when I give an order in my country, an executive order no less, I can say with full confidence, it is followed.
Trump: (shaking head and mumbling incoherently) judges…leftist…
Theresa May and Francois Hollande join Trump in shaking their heads and mumbling incoherently.
11 Jinping was smiling and nodding, pretending to understand what everyone was speaking.
Cutting to the chase, I pull out my phone and open an app showing a map with several thousand red dots.
Me: The red dot shows the location of the members of the most wanted terrorists groups in the world.
Trump: (snatching the phone from my hand) Where is Abu Bakes All Baghdad (Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.
I press a button and he is shown to be in Pakistan.
Putin: (snatching the phone from Trump’s hand) Where are the Chechen cowards?
I press a button and surprisingly they are all in Pakistan
11 Jinping: (snatching the phone from Putin’s hand) Uighur?
I press a button and surprisingly, they are also in Pakistan
Trump: (Before Theresa May and Francois Hollande could get their turn) Let me guess. Half of London’s population and 100’s of Peugeot trucks are in Pakistan too.
11 Jinping was the first to laugh.
I get my phone back and press some buttons. A Big Red Dot appears. I place the phone on the bench between the leaders.
Me: You are the most powerful leaders in the world. Any one of you can press that Big Red Dot. All the terrorists in the world will vanish. So who is going to do it?
Trump: you mean Abu…
Me: (I interject) Yes!
Putin: Those Chechen…
Me: Yes!
11, Theresa and Francois each ask about their respective terrorists. I answer in the affirmative.
Me: So who is it going to be? 11?
11 Jinping: Pakistan…All Weather…
Trump: Tires (laughing)
Putin: Door Mat (laughing)
11 Jinping: No. no. Friend (laughing)
They all have a good laugh.
Me: Ok. I am not surprised China is out. How about you Putin?
Putin: I want to be friends with Taliban. Pakistan can help me. Besides, I have the Chechen bastards under control.
Me: Ok. How about you Theresa? Hollande?
Theresa: I would love to press your buttons My Dear. But then I will have those Human Rights Watchdogs all over me.
Hollande: Qui. Dogs
Putin: Thoo
Trump: I don’t give a damn about those Human Rights Groups. As far as I am concerned, they are a bunch jobless, leftist hippies who don’t understand the threat of Islamic terrorism.
Everyone claps and concurs with Trump.
11 Jinping: Human Rights?
Everyone burst out laughing. 11 smiles blankly.
Me: So Trump. That leaves you then.
Putin: (interjects) He may not care about human rights groups. But he definitely cares about arms groups.
Putin and Trump give each other a High Five.
Trump: How about we kill just that Al Qaeda guy – A Man Always Hiring (Ayman al-Zawahiri)
Putin: No. Just the Chechen.
Each of the Head’s of State shout out their respective terrorist.
Me: The Big Red Dot doesn’t differentiate between terrorists. It kills all of them at once.
The leaders leave before admonishing me for making such a useless weapon.
I overhear Trump speaking to Putin as the leaders walk away.
Trump: I feel like dropping a BIG bomb. It’s going to be HUGE!
Putin: Where? Pakistan?
Trump: …Afghanistan.
A Few Months Later
An Islamic Terrorist makes a crude form of my Big Red Dot Weapon App.
Islamic Terrorist: Son. This Weapon is All Powerful. With just a press of a button, all the Kafirs and Islam’s enemies will vanish forever. I give this to. What will you do?
Son:
